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The art of finding the right lover

I always choose the wrong one! "We sigh when another relationship breaks down. But what exactly is wrong with our choice? And how do we find a partner who really suits us? Katharina Ohana, PhD in Social Psychology, introduces in her last book "Mr. Right. To find the right person from art. And to hold on. "Firmly: The choice of partners is all too often determined by false expectations.

Appearance, status, financial background should fit just as perfectly as the character, interests and hobbies. In a world of market value and self-optimization, dating becomes a kind of project that reflects the values ​​of the meritocracy.

In conversation with evidero, the author reveals a new way of finding a partner: from Mr. Perfect to Mr. Right - the man who is just right for us.
evidero Many people constantly fall in love affairs with the wrong people and fall from one disappointment to the next - while others seem to find it easy to lead year-long, fulfilling partnerships. Why is romantic love so complicated for some?

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Love is actually not that complicated when you have received a good form of love and a healthy self-image from home. But many people have had love and recognition as children only when they have met the demands of parents.

And so they also approach their love relationships later: on the one hand, they make the highest demands themselves, and on the other, they also have the fear of not being satisfied themselves, not being perfect enough.
How can you find the right partner?

Mr. Right - How do we find out who the right partner is for us?

We only find the right partner if we do not expect the perfect partner. Many people know that one thing has nothing to do with the other. But unconsciously they still try to demand the highest possible "market value" for themselves. Then there is a long list of "must-haves", things without which one believes that one can not love the other, because one always thinks: I could find something better, this and that bothers me too much.

But one should only expect something better, if one is treated badly by his partner or not really loved. Often one then believes that one is not good enough and does not fulfill the other's "must-haves". But it is precisely this free-market thinking that has nothing to do with love and real interpersonal encounters. You have to understand that first of all.

Do men face the same problems of dating as women?

Yes, men definitely face the same problem, even if their list looks a little different. The attractiveness is immensely important in both sexes in times of the ubiquity of perfect bodies in advertising, media and films. But for men, the income of women is not as important as the other way round. For this they have more exaggerated demands for perfection on the appearance of women, while women accept a wider range of male attractiveness and do not make such high demands.

Narcissism plays a major role in both sexes, their demands on appearance and success are related to the often exaggerated desire self-image.

What prevents us from finding the right partner?

evidero What are the biggest stumbling blocks on the way to the great love that keeps what we want?
The biggest stumbling block is your own infantile expectation. Little kids want to be the best and get full attention and admiration from everyone. They want to be the center of attention and everything should follow them without having to give anything back. This is called infantile narcissism.

And if we did not learn in childhood that we are loved for our own sake, then we demand compensation for a lifetime: we look for this existential confirmation and without it we are anxious and insecure.

But as adults, we have lost the right to this special treatment and all-round care. Nevertheless, we demand it from our partner and this from us. All these relations fail because of these too high expectations if adults are unaware of this childlike pattern.

What does an adult, mature search for the right partner look like?

First of all, one has to become aware of the deeper connections and learn to see through one's own patterns of expectations. To accept that there is no quick fix, that it takes time to understand is the next step. It is important to observe oneself in one's experiences, to re-evaluate them and to grasp one's own inner child through disappointed longings.
This is the only way to break away from his old ideals, which are also characterized by "role models" from romantic films and television series. Then a rethink can take place: one automatically finds attractive people who behave appreciatively, who are strong and have even left the mill wheel of perfection behind them.

What happens next, when you find the right one?

evidero What are the biggest challenges in an existing partnership?

The biggest challenge is finding a good balance between your own expectations and those of others. Respecting and acknowledging the needs of others, always understanding their position, not wanting to hurt them is very important. But this must necessarily be bilateral.
Many sacrifice themselves for the needs of others in the hope that the other will finally give them something back. They are used to this sacrifice from their childhood. This creates the pattern of unhealthy love, which we then take along in our Dating. Self-protection and giving can be learned.

When is it important and right to hold on to a love relationship - and when is it time to say goodbye, even if it hurts?

The magic sentence is: "I do not do this anymore". If one suffers too much from quarrels, humiliations and imbalances, one should not continue to fight, continue to be kind and hope the other would finally acknowledge and make amends for one's own effort. You should look for someone who treats you the way you are willing to get involved in the relationship.

Often we hope like little children, mommy or daddy may finally acknowledge us and treat us well and perceive us as we are. But we are adults and need to protect ourselves. Conversely, who in love is always an asshole, will have in the long run anyone who keeps in crisis situation to one.
From this experience one should reconsider one's own behavior. But many people first have to get older, because then, according to experience, the crises pile up and you can not run away so easily.

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